between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
