So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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