hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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