sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
