Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
