Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
