I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
