I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
