jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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