So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
