remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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