And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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