Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you win again, gameday.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
