I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
