The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
