The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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