i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
