I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
