Have you finally orgasmed yet?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My pussy is not your playground.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
