new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
