I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
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