at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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