i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
