Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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