i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
