im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
