So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
