I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
