yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
