DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
nutella sex= disaster
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
