Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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