I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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