I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
