i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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