this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need to align my fucking chakras
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
