Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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