my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
