It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
