Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
