Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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