Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
