Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
