good thing vaginas are great cup holders
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
