dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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