Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
