Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
where are my eyebrows?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
