i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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