I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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