my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
