I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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