worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We need a shit load of segways right now
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
