just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
