Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
