god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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