my phone needs a breathalizer
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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