who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
