Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
