I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
