your thong is hanging out like whoa
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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