She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
