ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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