Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
