if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
