Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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